Rosemary, Frank, Bing, Nat, and Ella

I feel like Mom and Dad raised me well, though it may have been through vicarious forces that this came to be the case. My Christmas, though devoid of wrapped presents and stuffed stockings, is fantastic. I am literally snowed in—in Abbotsford none the less—I have me tree up and decorated (a huge fake pine given to me by an amazing manager at work), baking done, and stockings hung. I've watched all the Christmas specials: the original Rudolph, Mr. Bean, Home Alone, the original Grinch; all that remains is "It's a Wonderful Life" which I have been saving for tonight. My iPod has been pumping out the classics as well; loaded with tunes from the Rat Pack, Glenn Miller, Ella, Rosemary, among other less influential artists. It feels like Christmas. It feels like Christmas did when I was still a little girl. Comfortable and cozy, filled with warmth and peace.

Although this is not my first Christmas away from home, it is the first one I have spent by my lonesome—well, Bob is here too (my fish). I know that time with family is especially valued at this time of year, and I would like to be back in Linden with loved ones, but God has given me this huge blessing of time spent alone. This is the first "time off" I have had from every responsibility in what feels like eons. I think July long weekend actually. I don't have to worry about anything. I have a place to live, a job, no school yet, no stresses. What an amazing feeling. I feel like I'm getting balanced again.

I do have one fear though—the power might cut out. It did a week or so ago and it was fairly crummy. There was no heat in the apartment and my roommate and I were forced to light a fire and a thousand candles to try and warm the place up at night. It was fun though. We built a gingerbread house and roasted marshmallows on the candle flames. Anyway, he is gone back to Linden for the week and if the power cuts here, I am trapped with no heat because I do not drive, the busses aren't running, and I have never made a fire in a fireplace.

What does a solo Christmas involve for me? Well, I plan on finishing all my laundry and cleaning the apartment, taking a much needed shower, playing around on the computer and television, listening to my iPod, making the rounds of calls to loved ones many many miles away, and maybe read a little. I suppose I should make food in there somewhere. I would like to take a walk, but think that I need a shovel and snow pants to get out of the building—there is several feet of snow on the ground. There are some vehicles in the parking lot which are completely buried in snow. Now, being that no one here owns a shovel, this makes for a serious mobility problem. It has been snowing for two days straight and doesn't show signs of stopping. Although, I cannot be grumpy with the snow. It is the most beautiful snow I have seen in years, if ever. There is no wind so it falls straight down, actually, it floats down. The flakes are big and light, and fluffy—powder—not wet and sticky. It is quite honestly picturesque. It really makes me want to go snowboarding!! Pretty soon I could hop of my third floor balcony and go boarding from there! Wishful thinking!

All in all, Mom and Dad have raised me to be happy with what I have, regardless of whether it is material or a locale. However I do really want a puppy, so if anyone wants to send one this way that would be so cool (but only real dogs please. No Chihuahuas)!

I suppose that is all for now. I wish you the very best Christmas!

Speak, Into the Microphone Please

The semester is done. I can't believe I am saying that already. It seems like I just got back to BC a couple weeks ago, but I've been back here longer than I was actually around Linden this summer. Crazy. Anyway, like I said, I'm finished my semester—exams and all. I must say, I don't get really stressed for finals. I look at all my friends back home and here and they're all stressed out about writing a test or paper or what have you, and I have never really been able to figure out why. Getting yourself all worked up isn't going to boost your performance; at best you'll have lapse in information recall. The way I figure, if made it to the end of the course you are equipped with everything you need to pass a test… you just need to muster the ability to reiterate it. But then again, I love school and am a very avid learner. I kind of have this desire to know everything.

That said, I can proudly say that I am sitting at a fantastic GPA and am the recipient of many A's this semester. I'm thrilled about my success not because I think good marks can be used to give me merit directly, but rather because I am taking course which I am passionate about—all somehow contribute to my goals of my future profession and self—and the fact that I am succeeding in them feels like a divine way of telling me that I am in the right place, doing the things I should be doing right now. I should also add that this semester was the hardest so far, and my efforts to excel at my classes came from deep within; my daily conscious thought revolved around what I had learned and ways I could apply it, constantly analyzing and thinking critically, and trying to find relationships in events. More than any time in my life thus far, I can knowingly contest that these past three and a half months have molded me, and remolded me, and shaped me into a more confident, peaceful, and aware individual.

Actually, something has been on my mind a lot these days and I ask that you, perhaps, bear with me as I try to put it clearly into words. I love this world. I think that it is such a gift, and I feel as though we are wasting it. I believe that we are killing the environment which we need to sustain ourselves and that something needs to be changed here rather quickly. Now, please don't take this to mean that I have bought into the Green parade and completely into climate change: Al Gore and David Suzuki and their army still annoy me and seem a touch contradictory as well. But the thing is, we are destroying our environments—the very same we are trying to live off of. In doing so, and this is where I become seriously irked, we are violating endless basic human rights! Environmentalists preach, above all, that we need to stop killing the environment...go green…so that there is something left for our future generations (ironically it is the American authors and figureheads who have spearheaded this Green Revolution), but what about the people we're killing now? I recently watched a movie and it revolutionized my life. It is called "The Refugees of the Blue Planet."

Did you know there are almost as many environmental refugees in the world today as there are political, religious, and ethnic refugees? Do you understand the scope of that statement? That statement means that there are more people displaced because of environmental issues than all of those refugees who have fled war torn nations throughout Africa, the Middle East, Europe, Latin America and Asia. The numbers are in the tens of millions! This was something I'd never really come to terms with or realized until this past semester. Even in my home province of Alberta, there are hundreds of environmental refugees simply in regards to the oil and sour-gas industry! All I can think about in regards to that is, "Boy, the government never brought that to my attention," and that just irks me because it just reinforces this stereotype that governments are in it for the money and could care less about social well being. But then again, our current government can't even handle a properly function democracy.

In Brazil, more that 100 villages were expropriated (bought out by a multinational country and then privatized) simply for the harvesting of eucalyptus trees. The company cleared the land of structures and living beings (except those used for laborers) to plant this foreign tree in a monoculture-type situation and you know what they harvest the majority of the trees for? Guess. Seriously, I dare you. Bet you didn't think toilet paper, but that is in fact what the majority of the trees are harvested for: the production of toilet paper for North America and Europe. Think about that next time you take a square! That square may have taken someone's LIFE away from them. They lost their homes, businesses, jobs…displaced against their will so that I can have the opportunity to flush something away after one brief use. If that doesn't strike you hard enough, think of this:

The Maldives. Now, I love maps. I love mapping things, studying maps, geography, cultures, languages—like I said I am in love with the world. There is not one place on this planet which is not beautiful in some way or another and the Maldives are no exception. Their white sandy beaches and crystal clear waters are popular vacation spots among our elite, and are idealized just as other places like Bora Bora and Tahiti. As series of coral atolls, the Maldives are at risk of disappearing. In fact, I believe that the highest point in the nation is not much more than a couple of meters above sea level. Most houses are suspended on stilts, and those which aren't are clustered together on the rare bit of land. As the ocean levels swell because of the melting ice caps, this whole country is about to go the way of Atlantis! The new President recently made an announcement that he will be saving money from the tourism industry in preparation for the need to purchase a new homeland for the 300, 000 Maldivians. We all know how the Palestinians and tribes of Africa are dealing with similar, homeland related issues.

I can't justify causing another person's suffering, nor can I feel right not being accountable for it. I hate what we have become! This is not about survival of the fittest; it's about survival of the wealthiest and in my mind that is a huge, incredible social injustice. I'm tired of being this mindless consumer, wasting the blessing of being born into a wealthy society and a gift for learning. My disposition for learning is a divine gift and ultimately not mine—what good is something if it isn't shared? I'm tired of supporting tourism and religious-contingent aid. For Pete's sake, if someone is hurting, help them by loving them, not shoving the Bible down their throats. And don't go into the world thinking that everyone one needs help because they aren't like us. WE are the problem! We could learn so much from the indigenous peoples of this world. I believe that the environment and mankind are intrinsically linked, and we need to start realizing the weight of our actions, or rather our inactions.

Breather

October is finally over, and hopefully this month will be better. Last month was...difficult.
To catch you up on the news, a brief summary: my Grandfather passed away early-ish in the month, in a period of two weeks I had three papers and three mid-terms, I joined a three-day a week running club, I made my first Thanksgiving dinner (which turned out amazing), and got home for an incredibly brief visit somewhere in there too. In addition to all that, I also found myself working quite a bit, and processing through some rather difficult decisions regarding my schooling and home-life. I am looking forward to semester break and perhaps some mental vacation.
School is going fairly well this semester. I am in two psychology classes (one is an intro to psych and the other specifically focuses on educational psychology), an Anthropology class focusing on culture change and the 3rd world, and one modern literature class. I am struggling more than last year simply in that these courses are more challenging than those I took last year, either because they are second-year courses or not within my forte.
I'm at the pint where I have to begin thinking quite seriously about declaring a major and what specific courses I need to take, and where I hope to end up. I'm currently headed down a teacher's path, which is what I had originally planned, but am leaning more towards teaching secondary-level Social Studies than English. For this reason, I am planning on taking an wither a major or extended minor in History accompanied with a second extended minor in Anthropology (two extended minors is UFV's equivalent of a double major).
In addition, I am considering foregoing my earlier intentions of getting my Teacher of English as a Second Language certificate. This is a relatively big decision, and I haven't set any thing in stone as of yet. I am considering this because I love cultures--I love the hodge-podge mix of races and traditions, melodies of various languages--I want to observe and respect uniqueness as is, not assimilate mankind to one dominant culture.
So that is all about the school aspect of life. At home, I am enjoying my new apartment. One day, when it is clean, I plan on uploading a few pictures. My room mate is Curt and so far, he is still desperately seeking employment. He's been out here two months and has yet to hear back from any other the dozens and dozens of places he has applied to. Worst case scenario, if he does not hear back from anyone in the next two weeks, he will be headed back to Alberta for a month or so to work for some friends and former employers. This would only be a short-term, temporary solution and he would technically be continuing to live in Abbotsford, but needs to pay some bills! I am praying that this will not be the case, however, as it would complicate my work schedule and I would be living alone. The living alone thing only scares me because I have never lived on my own for extended periods of time before, and I'm already lacking in social interactions as it is.
I hope that is a good enough update on the goings-on in my life. I'm still single and have not knowingly met the infamous "Mr. Right" as of what (not that I'm particularly scouting him out), and am still at Starbucks, although I am considering seeking a complete job change in the new year, after the holiday season. What else...oh yes. Bob. I've been wanting a pet quite badly so I now have a fish named Bob. He's a very responsive, handsome Betta fish who live in a bowl in my living room and basically at the center of social activity in the house. I still long for a big ol' dog, but can't justify having one in an apartment. For now, Bob is perfect.
Like I said, October was a crazy month, and I am dearly hoping that November is more positive.

R.I.P. May You be Well

So today really sucked. Not only am I sick with a stupid cold, nor is it good enough that I am falling behind on my school work, but my Grandpa died this morning. My last Grandpa. The only Grandpa that I really even remotely got the chance to know. I'm wishing this month would just pass, I would get A's on everything, and everyone would just be happy and healthy again.

I can't say that my Grandpa's internment was expected, but all things considered, it happened so fast. Two months ago he suddenly collapsed from a massive heart attack, went through some crazy surgeries, he was in a coma for six weeks, may have had a stroke sometime in there too, and when he finally woke up he was a completely different person. He was fine, and then he wasn't anymore. I was out there last year and would have never guessed it would be that last time I'd see him.

My Grandpa was one half of the strongest couple of people I have ever known. I admire my Grandma for being the most strong-willed, silently-loving, and one of the wittiest people have ever known, and her dedication to my Grandpa is something I have always been amazed by. My Grandpa was the softer side of the story: like a giant teddy bear. Because we lived in Alberta and them in Ontario, I only got to see the two of them a handful of times and mostly when I was younger, but when I did, Grandpa would love playing little pranks like pretending he cut off all his fingers just because it freaked the wiggens out of me, or being Santa Clause at Christmas time. All things considered, my relationship with my Grandparents has been a long-distance one, but none the less one which has been open and welcoming.

I'm just sad. I mean, I'm happy that Grandpa is no longer frustrated and stuck in a hospital bed, and hopeful that Grandma will now be able to move on from this (though after spending her entire life with him, I imagine it will be incredibly difficult), but I'm sad because it really turns a day sour when you lose one of the few people in this world that you really love.

One Week

Sadly, summer is over. I am moving into a new place back in Abbotsford this weekend and start school and work in only a week. Despite the fact that I have been preparing to move back to Abby all summer long, I don't feel particularly ready. I have been in the process of moving since the beginning of August, and for the past three weeks, all of my junk and all of my furniture has been packed up and in storage which has been, needless to say, increasingly frustrating. It's almost moving day though. I keep having to tell myself that.

August has most defiantly been a busy month. I am feeling absolutely bagged, despite all the holidays I have taken. I finished working at the restaurant on the ninth, and on the tenth, my roommate and I took off to Montana to meet up with some of our friends and his family who were already camping down at Lake Koocanusa. We camped out there from about a week. The weather was amazing and incredibly warm, making it easier to go into the chilly lake. Unfortunately, about half way through our stay, I started to get a little sick and had to take it easy for a few days, but managed to enjoy some beach and water time. My friends and I actually stranded ourselves on the lake when the Sea doo we were scooting around on ran out of gas. Fun times. We managed to beach the Sea doo on this pristine inlet where the water was beautifully clear. Our suffering was short lived.

After a week at the lake, my roomie and I took off up to Abbotsford to get an apartment, which, after seemingly endless tribulations, we finally have. Once we gave all of our money to the landlord, we took off down the Oregon coast. We didn't get very far (being in a vehicle was becoming an arduous task) and stopped by the time we hit Seaside and Cannon Beach. However, we quite happily stopped there as both towns are amazingly gorgeous. We ended up spending two days on the ocean, getting absolutely soaked in the randomly pouring rain, but it was worth it. We had intended on camping, but that quickly was set aside for a few dry hotel rooms. One of the hotels we stayed in was operated by a man who not only looked just like Santa Claus, but played the part every December. And he was quite the jolly fellow.

Eventually we headed back to Linden. The prospect of being able to avoid being in a vehicle was too tantalizing. Also, we really needed to finish getting ready to move.

So now I am idling away my last few days in Alberta. And these are my last few days too. I mean, this time, I am completely moving to Abbotsford. Besides visiting purposes, my time in Linden has come to a close. I hope next summer to find a job or internship with an NGO or aid agency of some sort, or be doing something I absolutely love, and can see myself doing for the rest of my life. Preferably I would be doing that right now, but I'm just going back to Starbucks for now—it works to well with my school schedule.

In a Nutshell

My apologies for not having written on here in several months. Time just slips by so quickly, which can explain how we're already a week into August and I'm heading back to school very soon. My summer has been very busy, and is only going to be busier over the next three weeks.

So I should start with an update I suppose: I am well. I'm battling my allergies, but otherwise, I have been well. Last week, my friend and I finally found an apartment to live in when we move to Abbotsford at the end of the month, so since then, we have kicked into high-gear in regards to moving. Currently Curt (my friend who is moving to Abbotsford with me) and his sister are continuing to rent the duplex I lived in last year (the three of us lived together for a whole year!), before I moved to Abbotsford the first time. Now, because Curt is moving back to Abbotsford, and his sister has no one else to split rent with, she is moving back in with her folks, which, turns out, is perfect for her. There you go; three people are moving out of the duplex all at once. Sadly the duplex is eerily empty now, being that we're pretty much moved out. All that is really left is the cleaning. Whoop-de-doo!

Our plan is to move into the apartment in Abbotsford at the end of August, beginning of September. My classes start on the second, so an earlier move-in date is warmly welcomed. But that is still three weeks away, and these next few weeks are going to be anything but boring! On Sunday, Curt and I are headed down to Koocanusa Lake in Montana. We're meeting up with the rest of his family and a ton of friends, and more people will be coming after us too. We'll be there for a week or so, hopefully I'll spend most of my time relaxing on the beach, getting burned, spending some time on the water….Glorious! We leave from the lake on the 17^th, bright and early in the morning, and continue our journey State-side. We have to get over to Abbotsford for the 18^th to do some stuff for the apartment, bank goodies, work stuff—fun stuff! After that is all said and done, however, we're golden: we have nothing to do, nowhere to be….Right now we're talking about possible going down the West coast and camping along the way, taking our time, meandering our way back to Linden.

My last day of work is tomorrow, which actually makes me a bit sad. The thing about Linden is that it is so full of people who are so easy to love, and they're people you've known forever. Working at the restaurant was such a good summer job. It gave me a break from dealing with customers face to face, gave me some lessons on how to make "Linden Food," and just refreshed me with such a calm environment. Good break. I'm going to miss it. I even got in a few hours at the coffee shop (fingers crossed I'll get a few more in before the big move) which was so good. I love making coffee.

What else…? Hmm. Oh, on Canada Day long weekend, Curt, Laura, and I went off to BC, as usual. What a trip! We spent our first night camping on the Shuswap, which was blissful. Then we took Highway 1 (stopping just north of Kamloops to brush our teeth on the side of the road) all the way through Savona and Cache Creek, down to Abbotsford, stopped briefly at my Starbucks to say hi, and then made our way to White Rock. The ocean felt so good. We stayed with a friend of mine in Chilliwack that night, and headed out for Cranbrook the next day. What a long trip. Highway 3 is beautiful: you go through wine country and the orchards where almost all of the fruit comes from, Osoyoos (where there is a VERY popular lake and switchbacks and hairpins to get in or out of the place), the Kootaneys (where we saw a large black bear on the side of the road), and so much other pretty BC. It was so hot though. Like, incredibly. We were in a tiny two-door black Honda Civic hatchback that had NO air-conditioning. We were driving along in our swimsuits and melting. Eww. We stopped at Christina Lake (which is gorgeous), walked straight from the car, into the lake, and were reluctant to leave. Heaven. In Cranbrook, we loafed with some good friends, former Linden-ers, and head home the next day. We bought about $100 in fireworks and promptly set them off after the 6 hour drive from Cranbrook to Linden was done. Good trip!

DEMO Crew has come and gone in the time since I have written too, I suppose. We'll, no shocker, it was awesome. I was blessed with the role of leader again this year, and this year, I felt like I fit the part so much better. The team of kids we took in (there were 17 of them) were amazing too. There got right in there, just loving on the people they came across. Anyone and everyone! Homeless or not. There was a lot happening within and without us when we were serving, so it was pretty hardcore. Awesome!

I think that is pretty much it, but then again, my memory has been pretty sketchy these last few weeks as a result of accumulating stress. I'll be sure to post some pictures of vacation and the new apartment here though, for all those who aren't yet on Facebook. Love all!

Doh! A Deer

What a week! Finally, after a month of silence I think I may have something to actually write about. My first month back has been alright. It kind of feels as though life went from being busy and stressful to stopping. It is like time doesn't really exist in Linden, despite the fact that it passes so quickly. I haven't done too much since getting back. I've made amends in some broken relationships, been working almost every day, save Sunday, in various places, played a lot of computer games, and we went hiking up in Johnston Canyon around Banff. It was so wonderful to be back in the mountains.
So ,this week. Well, Monday was...not a normal Monday. Linden has two banks, one of which feel victim to an armed robbery Monday morning. Yes that is right folks, people actually rob banks in small towns still. I can't believe it actually happened. No one was physically hurt, thankfully, but they still haven't caught the guys. There was a helicopter and cruisers swarming town all day and the next. I even got questioned by an officer because at the time of the robbery I was minding the coffee shop. Unfortunately I was of no help to the officer.
Sports Day was yesterday. On the first weekend of June, for the past 33 years, Linden Ag-Society has hosted a community fair complete with parade, tractor pulls, soft ball tournaments, and various quaint mini-games. Typically, the population of my small hometown doubles overnight as the caravans of soft ball players overtake town and there is a whir of energy in the air. This year there were no caravans. There was neither a soccer tournament nor any baseball. The parade was marginal and the turn out was lacking. Shortly after the parade it started puring rain and we had a thunderstorm which not only knocked out power for four hours (which then caused all the businesses in town to close), but also washed out my street and did well in creating a great number of new pot holes throughout town. Disappointing.
The day started of weird: I slept in. I never do, really. I almost missed the free pancake breakfast, but hustled my tush enough to get a healthy portion of breakfast sausage, eggs and a few pancakes scarffed down before starting work at the coffee shop. There were four baristas running the show at good ol' Global. I loved it! I was working the espresso machine between my lovely former boss and Laura; it felt like a great team. Sadly, the night before, while working at the restaurant, I somehow hit my right hand on something and it wasn't and still isn't feeling to great. Either some fingers are out of place or I did some more serious damage as it hurts me to grasp things. I'll get it figured out.
So, after the power went out and after our laptops had run out of battery power, my roomies and I decided to go pick up their little sister and head into the city to see a movie. We went to the city but did not see a movie, but rather idled our time away at Wal-Mart and Futershop, looking for a Wii game. After we couldn't find it and were desperately bored, we headed home. But getting home proved to be more difficult than we even thought it would be.
Along the road, about 40 minuets aways from Linden, and around 10pm, our path collided with a deer. A doe, in fact, who had just given birth to a few fawns on the road. We were in a trusty little Honda Accord and all wearing our seat belts and going the speed limit of 100kms/h and all of a sudden we were in an accident. The deer missed the bumper but destroyed the left front quater panel of the car, the left headlight assembly, the side view mirror, hood and nearly came through the windshield. I was in the passenger seat and leaning forward at the time of impact and suddenly it was like we hit a wall and there was glass everywhere. As a result, I sustained some mild whiplash (really, not too bad); no one else was hurt. The people in the truck behind us happened to be friends and farm boys, who thankfully hauled the deer off the road for us (though it was still alive for a while and calling to it's babies, so sad!!!). But we're ok. And for those of us who aren't, I'm sure they will be. It was a first accident for the other three passengers, but not me. But it was scary. We were all pretty shaky. Anyway, almost two hours later, we had finally got a ride the rest of the way home and dealt with the police, but we made it finally.
So, I am off to see my RMT tomorrow if possible and hopefully my roommate's car is fixable, and not just a write off. He is planning on moving out to Abby with me in a few months, and this could force him to stay here. What a week. If my arms and shoulders weren't so sore, I'd say I needed a hug.

Fields of Green

One week has passed since I left Abbotsford, but it feels like so much longer. I miss it and the people I have come to appreciate so much, and despite that I am now surrounded by whom I love and who l0ve me, I feel strangely homesick.
It's different, home. I thought I would feel differently towards it after getting back, but so far no luck. Don't get me wrong, I am happy to be here and love seeing some people I have really missed, but at the same time it feels as though I am in a theatrical endeavor. I keep thinking that people are only pretending to have missed me, or are pretending it is a good thing that I am back. And then there are a few things which are odd, confusing. I should not have left Linden the way I did a year ago.
Anyway, for the most part, life is alright. I have unpacked and "settled" into my old room, and have clean the house a bit, and have also started working again. I'm being trained to be a cook at the popular local restaurant, which, I should mention, is far less glamorous than it may sound. I'm good at it though, for the most part. Starbucks trained me well for speediness and how to multi-task and be self-dependent. And how to have a great work-ethic.
I'm feeling somewhat restless with the lack of mountains to climb and the lack of required physical exhertion. I have to work three times as hard as I used to just to get my heart rate up, which must mean that I really am in better shape than I was when I left.
Not all is well, however. I am fighting waves of nausea, and I don't know why. Eating seems to make me feel somewhat uneasy, not that I am not eating, but when I do I feel ill. It is kind of crummy, but hopefully my tummy will work itself out.

Peaceless and Quiet

Have you ever noticed that sometimes, the world is quiet at all the wrong moments? Like, when you're wide awake and it is the middle of the night, and it is too quiet; when you call all your friends and none of them answer their phones; when your head is full of information but you completely blank out when you need to recall it? Yeah, it sucks. No, rather it is frustrating.
Don't get me wrong or anything: I am not sad or depressed. I have nothing in particular which I feel I need to tell anyone--nothing. I'm not really lonely, and I'm not particularly stressed anymore, now that I have finished my semester. Maybe I am still just over stimulated. Maybe I would go for a run, if it weren't snowing.

AWOL

Yes, I have been busy and have been putting off an update of my blog. I do apologize. The past month has been such a whirlwind...well, so much more than that. It went by in a blink of an eye!
I'm writing my last two final exams for the semester tomorrow, and as of 10pm tomorrow night, I will officially be done my first year of post-secondary. I'm actually sad to be saying that. For as stressful and exhausting this semester has been, I am kind of sad to be finished my first year, and am having some seriously mixed feelings about returning home. Before I get into all of that though, an update on the past:
I can't remember what I was doing a month ago. Working a lot. Probably. You know how it is with me, living a life of the work-school cycle allowing minimal time for eating and sleeping. It's fun. Exhausting, but at least things are getting done! My life was pleasantly disrupted when my brother, Curt, and Laura came out to visit me at the end of March. They were only out here for a few days, but it was nice to just take a break from everything. We had a lot of fun; we always have fun. We went out to Vancouver a couple times (to the aquarium and North Van), toured the immediate area of Chilliwack, Mission, Fort Langley, hung out in Abby a bit, and went States-side down to Olympia and over as far as Snoqualmie Falls (b-e-a-u-tiful folks!). In short, we covered some serious terrain and lived in the car. When they left though, everything went back to normal and I disappeared behind a massive pile of books and locked myself up in my room to type endless papers on my laptop.
Since April started, I have been all about wrapping up this semester. I've been writing essays and assignments day and night, and have pushed myself to physical limits to get everything done. But I am okay. I still have to do up my taxes, but that seems so much less daunting than school. I had this one research paper for English that I had began working on back in the middle of February that...I let it get too overwhelming. It simply began stressing my out so much that at the end I was close to a nervous breakdown! When I handed it in, suddenly everything that I had left to do seemed so much more plausible.
I'm moving back to Linden in just over a week and a half, and like I said, I have some seriously mixed feelings. I'm happy to be going back because Linden is relaxed and laid-back, and I miss a ton of people. But at the same time, I love it here. I have some really good friends here, and I love my house. I mean, despite the fact that I am living in the basement of a private family home, I am so independent. I take the bus, yes, but that works for me. I'm responsible for my own livelihood. I don't know. Part of my is afraid of heading back, but I know that is normal. I mean, I am not the same person I was eight months ago, and neither is anyone else. Here, I was in school and spoiled with opportunities to get educated on some topics that really interest me, and the friends that I have made here...not things that interest the majority of my friends back in Linden. I don't think I am better than anyone, but I am struggling with this concept of being back; it seems as though people are expecting things to "go back to normal." Normal wasn't working for me though, and to be honest, when I left Linden back in September, I left a lot of my relationships broken. Why would anyone want to go back to that? I don't, really. I don't know. I can foresee some tense moments over the next four months. Great. Sounds like a whole lot of not fun. I don't know, we'll see. I should probably start packing one of these days though. I should maybe get some boxes so I CAN start packing.

Tainted Love

I don't know if I am frustrated, disappointed, or just having a crisis of self. Or maybe I am just growing up and feeling the growing pains of become a rational and intelligent human being.
My world has become so methodical; I have a system, I am organized, and I am always thinking about the next project of task I have to complete. I have never been someone who uses an agenda, nor have I been one to devote my whole self to one specific thing. I'm a bit flaky, or I used to be. I mean, I've been late for work very rarely, and usually I am very task oriented, but whether I had control over my sequence of thought or not--that is a different story. But now that I am back in school...things are so different. I am so different.
My first class of this semester was Political Science, and the first thing that came out of my teacher's mouth was that this class, in particular, was meant to create rational, "thinking" human beings. That statement did two things in my mind: it banished any doubts that I had about me being in the class, and it made me start thinking about how narrow-minded and egotistical I am. That class was followed by my Anthropology class, which has only intensified any realizations of self that I develop in PoliSci. Now that the semester is almost over, I am no longer sure I am a happy-camper. Well I am, but I don't know if I still have faith in mankind's ability to make right of so much wrong.
At the start of PoliSci. I was hoping that I would be able to develop a sense of whether I am more Liberal in my beliefs, or if I am more of a Conservative, as my Albertan blood would have me believe. Now, I never once thought that the class would spell it out in black and white for me, but I at least thought that I would have some sort of idea of whether I was right or left by the end of the class. Now, almost at the end and I feel ever so much more confused than I was when I first began. I was so wrong in my initial beliefs; I hated war (and I still do) and wanted to be a humanitarian and wanted to make the world a better place. Now I am learning that in order to exact positive change, often a strong political force is needed. How disheartening!
At the start of Anthro. I thought I knew more about the world that I apparently thought I did. I love cultures, but I had such I naive perception of what the world was really like. In fact, if I had just up and moved to a new culture three months ago, I would have done harm to that culture because of my egocentric nature. I had no idea how diverse this world really is!
That said, I am struggling. I can't understand so much right now, and my head is filling with all of this knowledge of things facing reality, and it bothers me to now end how little people care. For instance, Canadians bash the United States for having a corrupt government, and yet we elect a leader who not only bows to the South, but belongs to a party system which was modeled after the Republican Party in the United States. We're slight less right-winged, but come on people! We're batting for the same team! I can't see how Canada is better than the United States, but I can see how we are so much the same.
And then there is the topic of democracy. We are not a democratic and capitalist society. We may claim to be, but we aren't. I mean, we can vote for our government, but that is essentially the only power the people have. Our society is so twisted and corrupted by deals and agreements between mega-corporations and our democratically elected leaders, and the majority of the earth's population has no idea. I feel so conflicted over daily life now. I work for Starbucks, and that bothers my morals enough. They promote their "Ethos" water and boast about how purchasing the $2.84 bottle of water you are helping a child in Africa get clean drinking water. $0.10 CAD actually goes to their claimed purpose. Only ten cents! I mean, yes they did raise $6.2 million last year for the cause, but they could have done so much more!
I've been watching a series of documentaries called "The Corporation." It's really eye opening. I mean, I'm not claiming to be a sheep and just believing everything the movies told me, but it defiantly has me interested in knowing were my products are coming from, and just how this world really works.

I am just getting so fed up with how daft our society is, or at least how mindless it can be! I mean, we have people voting and they don't even know what they are voting for. We are condemning other societies for the way they function, even when we can't even function democratically ourselves. Are we hypocrites, or have we just lots sight of reality? And now, even worse, I am learning all of these things and at a loss of how to change my actions and beliefs so as to "practice what I preach." Crisis of self? Or growing pains?

I'm not sure which is worse: learning about how conflictive or world actually is, or knowing that the majority of society basically couldn't care less.

Cap'n Crunch

I can not believe that there is only one more month to my semester. It is going to go by so fast! Even more crazy, I have been living out here for more than half a year! Where does the time go?
I must apologize for a previous entry of mine. Recently I made an entry in which I completely bashed my English class, calling it a waste of time. The irony is, after writing that entry, ending it, and then going to class, I was handed back the summary paper I wrote. It was a rewrite. In my whole career as a writer I have never once been told that I needed to rewrite something. Ever since Grade 2, I have been praised for my writing abilities. So, needless to say, when I got the "Rewrite" I was rather surprised. I felt like I was cut at the knees. It was a pretty crushing blow to my ego and my confidence. I had been so cocky and arrogant towards my English class--my teacher and classmates--and getting one rewrite was enough to make me think that I couldn't write. Despite all the high marks I got on my term paper and essays last semester, one little summary paper with a non-existent mark on it was enough to humble me.
In the week that I had to rewrite that paper, I also had to write a critique paper for the same class and five essays for a Political Science midterm (which I have yet to get back), and the whole week had me stressing out. It got me focusing on my studies and critiquing myself to no end--I poured so many hours into those papers. Both the revised summary paper and the critique paper were handed back to me last week with A's, but the marks, although relieving the worries, fell pretty much flat on me. I was just proud of myself simply for the fact that I was able to prove my strengths even at a time when I was "caught with my pants down." It was pretty cool, and a totally needed attitude adjustment.
On a lighter note, I am helping out with DEMO Crew again this year. We're heading in from July 14-18 and I will be 20 years old by the time we're there. Me, 20? It's kind of intimidating! Anyway, so my English class, once again, has proved to be far more than I thought it would be. My professor, and only my professor, has tailored her course around social issues facing youth and the homeless. I did not know this when I signed up for her course, and to that, I can only give credit to God. If you know me, you know that homelessness and the societal struggles people face while in the cycle are incredibly close to my heart. I was blessed with so many opportunities to volunteer at the Mustard Seed in Calgary when I was young and impressionable. Now that I am lending my services as a leader to younger folks interested in doing the same, I find it ironic that my English class, a class so unlikely to act as a think tank for homeless issues is just that! I mean, it is an essay topic and I have to discuss it for a final grade! It is totally a prep course for my upcoming leadership this summer. Amazing. So I mean now to lend credit to my English class. It is awesome.
On the more funny side of life, my friend and I skipped campus for dinner today. We went over to a Timmy-Ho's (just down the street from my Starbucks, which makes me a traitor), and after having a ball of a time and noticing the time, seeing that we had six minuets to get me to class, we frantically left. However, Abby is a city where common sense and straight roads don't exist. We ended up lost in a Rona-Costco parking lot, just trying to figure out how the heck to get to the road which would supposedly take us back to the school. At long last we found it, and then promptly found ourselves driving around in the countryside. It was fun. We randomly stumbled upon a place called Cap'n Crunch, which was fittingly a car demolition place. Good fun.

Roasty Toasty

I suppose it has actually been more than one week since I last wrote here, but not much has happened. I've been busy working on a number of papers, midterms, essays, projects, and trying to squeeze in some hours at Starbucks. It's been pretty constant. We had "reading week" here last week--the break consisted of a Monday and Tuesday. I was fortunate enough to have Sunday to Wednesday free to work on the pile of work I was given, and I even got most of it done.
I'm healthy again too, which is nice. I'm kind of tired, but for the most part I am well. I burned my arm on the oven door on Tuesday in an attempt to keep the dog from snagging the chicken off the pan. It's been a rather nasty experience. First is was considerably moist. It was oozing for a few days, but then finally scabbed up. Now it is dry and cracking and bleeding. I have a cream that I have been putting on it, but it just doesn't seem to be aiding anything at all.
I've been stressed. Really stressed. But I am pulling through, painfully, but getting through this nonetheless. I need to pick up some serious extra hours at Starbucks if at all possible, which means my homework and sleep time will have to be somewhat sacrificed, but my hours are being cut back without my consent and I am having trouble getting enough money to make rent, let alone pay my bills and down my debt. Stupid taxes. I have those to do as well. Being a grown up is hard.
My friends have been fantastic though. I've come to adore a great number of the people I have met out here, and leaving them to head home for the summer will be tough, despite the fact that I am returning to a town full of people I love. I like it though.
I got an A on my first of three linguistics tests today, which is very comforting. Up until this past week or two, I have not had a single assignment or test. Now I am beginning to really see how well I am doing in my classes which really helps! My walls at home are covered in sticky notes again, but now there are maps, and current events that I've cut from the Globe and Mail as well. It helps. It all helps.
I've seemingly gotten into the habit of doing some intense physical activity to help deal with my stress. I burden myself with a muscle-numbing workout when I am too stressed to sleep, or in my "freak out" moments when I really have no sight of the light at the end of the tunnel. I wouldn't say that it helps me in any other way than giving me a sense of accomplishment. It's pretty cool.
The weather out here has been amazing. The patio at work is open. It is February. I never thought I would see the day when people would be wearing shorts and skirts in February in Canada and not be frozen. Wonderful.
Anyway, that is a wee bit of an update on me. I'm still alive and pumping blood, but life has me running around like a crazy-person.

Another Week, Another Illness

So I am sick again, but I'm already getting over it. I took all of Tuesday off and slept for about 13 hours, and I was feeling better for work on Wednesday.
I have this one class that makes me feel like I am wasting my time. English 105 is pretty much a review of what I feel is common sense, and all the same things my High school English teacher taught me. I mean, seriously. I had to pass some lame placement exam to get me in a class that is simply a review of High school English?? How stupid is that? Oh well, I have to take it if I--it is a core requirement on my Bachelors degree, and I need it before I can go into any other English classes. It's just one of those things that you just wish you didn't have to waste your time on....
As far as my other classes go, I must admit, I just do not feel like I am putting in the time they demand. I mean, I get the readings done, I take the notes, and my comprehension is there, but, for instance with Linguistics, I just can't recall the information when I need to. I also have several assignments, papers, and presentations which are already coming up with looming due dates--and midterms (already!!!!!!!) to go with them...and then there will be finals again in a month and a half, and then what? And then what indeed.
I'm thinking that I'll be headed back to Linden for the whole summer, and will then try to find some work to use up all that lovely free time I will have. I went to work the other day, and it was a fabulous day too, and I realized that I'll likely only have another month or two with that job, and it made me light hearted--and sad.
I think this past Saturday was to worst day of work I have ever had. I went home and felt like the customers had taken part of my soul; I just felt like I was done with people and was so happy to go home to an empty house and wallow in my self pity. But then on the other hand, my co-workers are some f the best people I have ever met, and my heart will be sad when I say goodbye to them. Even worse, leaving the family that I live with now! Goodness, I never expected to grow so close to the family I moved in with ( which was a very naive assumption on my behalf, and if you know me at all, you will understand why), and moving out of their house will be incredibly sad. They don't feel like my own family, but they certainly have a very special place in my heart. I firmly believe that a great deal of my success out here and my ability to adapt to life out here was because of them and their open hearts. Such wonderful people, let me tell you!
Anyway, so that is the news. I have to get going to my lame-o class now. You know what? I am looking forward to summer even for the reason that I will have something more stimulating and less repetitious to write about other than school and work and school and work and...you get the point.

32 is the D F in which W F

Another Monday has come, and pretty much gone, and now I am left sitting in the sorry excuse for a "cafe" at my school for two hours, waiting for the bus to come and take me home. I wait the two hours because the bus that comes at 10:05pm will take me right to my house, whereas the bus that I would have to connect with (otherwise) at the mall, which leaves at 10:03pm, would only take me as far as the bus stop, which is a 13-30 min. hike from my house, depending on the load I'm carrying on my back (which, on Mondays, consists of: 1 laptop and lap top bag with cords, 3 textbooks, one of which is hardcover, 1 notebook or binder, food containers and a water bottle, and various small items, in addition to my 130lb. self and bulky-ish winter jacket--after 9 hours of classes). Thus the reason I have decided to be lazy and wait for the bus to drive me home.
This week has been...a week. It was not the most catastrophic of weeks, and not the best of weeks by any means. I feel somewhat as though I let myself down, perhaps. A social situation arose this week, for which I was unprepared to deal with, and I feel as though I handled it most immaturely. It might not have bothered me so much but for the fact that I am blessed enough to be a leader to some younger girls, and I don't feel right advising them to act assertivly, when I myself don't take my own advice. Sometimes, in certain situations, I get flustered somewhat easily.
On the upside, however, I got the chance to briefly see a familiar face this past week. One of my old classmates from Acme lives here in Abbotsford (I think I have seen him three or four times now, since I moved out here), and he dropped my my house for a wee bit. It was cool seeing someone I actually know from home again. I mean, I know I was just home a couple weeks ago, but it almost feels like Linden and Abbotsford are entirely mutually exclusive. if that makes any sense; the two places certainly don't coincide, and I am even somewhat outwardly different in both places. I mean, obviously I am more outgoing back home because everyone knows me and I know everyone, and here it is not the same case. I mean, I have a ton of friends here, but our relationship is somewhat different as we are all students, working part time and at school full time, and many of my friends commute to Abby. It makes it somewhat difficult, but I'm getting used to it. I have a couple outings in the works at the moment, which is really encouraging.
As far as summer holidays go, I still don't know what I want to do. To be honest, I would really like to not be working at Starbucks the whole time; it is waning on my, not that it ever particularly thrilled me, and I am about done dealing with the majority of the customers we serve. Plus, I feel like it is a violation of my moral beliefs, and a total false front--it makes me feel no better than I think it would if I were one of the higher ups for Chiquita bananas or Dole or Del Monte, or something. But they have a benefits program which pays for my glasses and contacts, basic dental and medical, and you know what? I am a student--those benefits are important and far better than the health care plan that my school has! Plus, I have come to adore my co-workers. Anyway, back to summer: please pray!! I am headed home for 3 weeks in July to lead a crew of young ones into DEMO crew again this year, and I would really love, more than anything, to head south for a bit, for numerous reasons. And then there is the question of where I am going to live in the fall, for the summer while I am here, if I am, where I'll keep my stuff if I head back home for the full 5 months, where I will be working for the summer, after the summer...to many things that are filling my mind and pulling my focus away from my studies, which are far more important at the moment. So yes, prayer would be...would be wonderful.
The best moment of this past week: well, the 2 snow days we had were fabulous--especially being that there was only a couple feet of snow--and the fact that my cat is a Rastafarian. She was a wee bit testy one day; I turned on some Bob Marley, "Three Little Birds," and she just calmed right down. She rolled over onto her back with her little feet up in the air and passed out. I was happy that she stopped trying to scratch my innocent knee, and very tempted to find her some catnip....

Sushi and Black Pills

As January rolls out, it was only fitting that we get some nasty weather. All available transit was shut down yesterday--and I was completely stranded after leaving work. The taxis were not running up my mountain because of the seriously slick road conditions, and for the same reason, my land lady was unable to come and pick me up. I was like: "Problem solving!" Really, I had no idea what I was going to do. But thankfully, my land lady is super woman and she figured out a way for me to get home. Thank goodness.
In the good ol' way of the Fraser valley, however, most of the snow and ice soon melted, and today, only sidewalks remain to be shoveled, and almost all the other snow is gone or has been shaped in gigantic snowmen.
In fact, later last night, the weather had completely changed and the roads were again drivable. Taking advantage of this, my land lady and I decided to head out for sushi, rather than muster the motivation to make food for ourselves. so we went, and it was good. We split some veggie tempura (yum, by the way), I had some simple California rolls, and one piece of Unagi (BBQ eel). I've had all this stuff before, and love it, so it was nothing new to my stomach. But later in the evening, my tummy was not at all happy. Something nasty came over me and I felt incredibly foul.
When I moved out here, one of the last things I grabbed from a friend was a baggy full of these smelly little Chinese all natural cure-all pills. I don't know what they are called, so amoung my peeps, they are known as "black pills." They smell like creosote, or really pungent campfire, they look like rabbit droppings, and their smell lingers forever and seeps out your pores; bottom line: you should never take these little pills when you are required to be in public. But they work, and they pretty much fix every problem your stomach and digestive system might be feeling.
I took a couple, and pretty much within an hour I was once again able to move in and out of the fetal position, not to mention, muster enough energy sans nausea to get from my couch to my bed. Good times. No clue what it was. I don't blame the sushi, just the irony of timing. I think everyone should eat sushi all the time. But not tuna sushi because it is laden with heightened levels of mercury. So don't eat raw tuna too much.
I've been reading my Political Science textbook on World Politics, and my Anthropology texts all day. It feels good to be writing about something as meaningless as black pills and sushi.

Non Sequiter

So I've been back in Abby for just over a week now. All things considered, Abbotsford has really begun to feel somewhat like "home." I guess. Okay, it feels like a temporary home, but home none the less.
Pretty much the second I got off the plane, I was back into the school lifestyle; I had an English class later that same evening. Three weeks into class and I admit, I feel like I am drowning scientific terms and political policies that I do not understand. Two of m textbooks are just like...I don't know. I get headaches after trying to read the texts for long period of time. Oh well, I am sure I'll figure out a way to get through it.
Work is going...it is going. I like my co-workers at Starbucks (and I get a great set of benefits!!), but golly gosh gee, I don't know how long it will last. After my trip home and the few hours I worked at Global Grounds, it reminded me of how much the people connection means to me. And a good cup of coffee of course. Oh, and not to mention, it reminded me that there really are some great people out there, but most of them live in Linden. Sob.
Oh well, I don't know how long I'll be at Starbucks. I'm trying to think about what to do for summer, and there are a couple really cool things that I would like to do. But that is a couple of months away yet. I don't know what I am going to do, where I'll be living, who I'll be working for, or if I will even be in the country the whole time. Fun fun times!
So there is an uber quick update on the ins and outs of what has been happening with me in the past week. Not much.

Home Tastes Like a Small Caramella with Whipped Cream

I am not ready to head back west yet. I've been on vacation in Linden for a week now, and in that time, have seen so many of the people I've missed; despite the time I've had here, I feel like I have had hardly enough time to spend with the people I miss so much.
It's been good though, and as always, being back in Alberta has been refreshing and a huge blessing. And sunny! A lot has happened this week, sleep not being one of them unfortunately, and while my time out here has been refreshing, at the same time I feel somewhat burned out. I think that's only because I seem to be unable to sleep when I'm back home, for some strange reason.
It has been three months since I was last home, and for the most part, three months since I last had a conversation with many people here. But it does not seem like I was gone at all. Not that life and Linden have not changed at all (they actually have), it just seems like I was asleep, or that Abby was just a dream, or I spent the last three or four months completely out of it. If that makes any sense. I came home, and everything just fell back into place as it was before. Or, well, most things, but not all. Some of the things I wish were the same are not, and some of the things I wish were better are seemingly worse. But, that is how life goes, or so I have been told.
People back in Linden are...unique. They seem to genuinely want the best for you, and they treat you not only with courtesy, but they make every effort to better the lives of the people they love. Some how I got to be so loved, and coming home is like--like what i always hoped "coming home" would feel like, I guess.
I'm looking forward to getting back to school, of course, But at the same time, I know that it will be a while before I am able to come back again, and that makes me want to spend every minuet with the people I love. And it is true, I did not realize how much I loved some of the people back home, until I went away; now I just want to bring them with me wherever I go because I love them so much. I guess that is the way of life though.
I'm a big kid now.

An Update

Second semester starts in one day! Goodness, I am so excited; I am the biggest nerd. I actually quite enjoy post-secondary, however, aside from the insane cost of textbooks. It should be an interesting semester: three of my four classes are on Monday (the only day they were offered), and the other is Tuesday and Thursday evenings. I’m hoping night classes, or later-in-the-day classes will not only yield a group of more focused classmates, but the opportunity to actually get to know some of them.
I have been working my tush off and my mind has been unable to focus on anything really, in the past couple of weeks. It almost feels like I’ve gone about a separate life, which has been so up and down, frustrating and somewhat discouraging. I’m still chugging along though, so I guess that is good.
My Christmas was awesome. My sweet landlords bought me a brand new printer (my other new one was fried in one of the many power surges we’ve had, as was theirs) and made me join them in Surrey for a turkey dinner, sans cranberry sauce, with their extended family. It was lovely. We played some Wii (I kicked butt at bowling), watch some Rush Hour 3, and ate a whole bunch of delightful food. But it still didn’t feel like Christmas, being away from GG, and mom and dad.

New Year's was pretty much uneventful for me. I worked New Year's Eve, and had the first two days of the year to myself. It was odd though; I felt a great deal more homesick than I thought I would. I admitt, I was lonely. However, my homesickness was relieved when my old youth pastor and good friend, and his family and sweet little girls gave me a call. They were in town and we went out for a coffee, and I was so happy to spend time with them.

My Shoes

Okay, this is going to be a really girlie blog posting, so please, bear with me.


I have a collection of shoes. Two years ago I didn't have more than one or two pairs, but now I have quite a few more. I have bought a few of them as methods of feeling better about myself, but above all, in my collection, I have one sacred pair. Or at least they feel sacred.
Several times since I bought them two years ago, I have taken down the box they sit in, opened it and tried so desperatly to wear them, but in two years, I think I have only really worn them a half a dozen times or so. I bought them shortly after Brady (my first boyfriend) and I started dating; my English 30 class was going to Theatre Calgary for "A Christmas Story," and we were supposed to look clean and pretty. Totally fun. It was my first time in the theatre, and I even had a boy I was swooning over to hold my hand. His was the first hand I ever held. On the way home, I was tired and I rested my head on Brady's shoulder, which was yet another first for me. The whole night, I could not stop smiling and I felt--I don't know--the way you feel when you're with your first real boyfriend.
We ended up breaking up at the end of the following summer, which was pretty hard on me for a long time. Afterwards, it was like he was a completely different person, and I was so angry with him. I became this horrible person towards him; I was a different person too. It took me a long time to realize that out break-up was inevitable; I wanted to teach and see the world, and he wanted to do something--else. I don't know if he really knows even now, but that doesn't matter; one day he'll really figure it out. But regardless, I knew I didn't want to be with him long term and even now, have no desire to be married by a certain age. It just took me a while to realize that my desires and plans for my life leave little room for a significant other or any form, let alone one that doesn't know what he wants to do with his life.
It was nearly a year before I had the sense enough about me to apologize to him. We talk now and get along fine, and I am so happy for him and his new girlfriend, though I still don't understand why he moved to Winnipeg.
After we broke up, I couldn't wear my fancy shoes. They were ordained in one of the more special moments of my life, and I didn't want to marr them with unimportant memories or bitter thoughts. I would put them on from time to time in an attempt to wear them, but they have this sort of feeling about them. I don't really know how to explain it; they feel filled with this pure, first love innocence. Like, they seem to exude it; they feel like shoes to be saved for moments that one needs an instant injection of life again. I stashed them in their box at the top of my closet, and brought them with me to BC.
I haven't worn them in a year, or so, but I took them down tonight. I plan on wearing them to my landlord's girl's Christmas concert. Not for their concert, but for me. I feel like in the past few months, I have been so broken emotionally, so lost; but I am okay now. It was just growing pains, of course, and some of them were very painful. But I grew, and most importantly, I did not let myself down one bit. I succeeded when I thought it would be so hard. I have friends here, and I had a family to decorate a tree with, and so many good memories of people I only had three months to get to know and enjoy. I've made my family (blood related or not) proud, and I have such a clear mind. I feel completely content. I still feel like I am too young to be out in the world though.
I put the shoes on this afternoon and I swear, I felt a cold breeze that gave me a little shiver down my spine.