A Small Crime

I went to Edmonton yesterday with some friends to watch Dave's final jury for this semester. I'm thinking, Holy crap! That kid has some serious talent.
It was kind of weird being in a music school. I play bass myself, and I doubt I could ever make it through music school. I mean, i practise and all, I love music; but seriously doubt I could ever cathc up to some of the kids there. but then again, I am better than a few of them. Marginally, but none the less.
University update: I have been accepted to both Grant McEwan (same school I was kicking around yesterday) as well as the University of Alberta. Last year, I was sure I was going to the U of A: it was where I wanted to be. But, things change I guess. Now, a year later, it just doesn't feel quite right. Though, and this is foolish I know, I was planning on going to Edmonton partly because of a boy, and now things have fallen through and the desire has gone with it. I told you, foolish!
I wish that I had more interesting things to write here. Like I keep saying: my life is boring at the moment. Actually, this week was insanely hard for me. I don't really have an excuse, but for the past while, I really have not been myself. It's been tough; I've been angry, rude to the people I interact with, tired, feeling hopeless and lost: just down right unhappy. This has not been pleasent. I'm thinking of getting some counselling because of it. That's a good idea right? I think? Don't really know, but I do know I have to get past these "walls" in my brain. They suck. I hate walls. Except the ones that keep me warm. Those ones I like.
Seriously though, the amount of stress has been accumulating exponentially recently. I'm having trouble sleeping again and my body has been grumpy with me; I've been going to my massage therapist far more frequently. With my bills going up and my income not, I have been feeling rather discouraged. At the moment it isn't so bad for some reason, but it really has been troubling me. Who do I talk to about that? I cut my spending and everything, and still I have no money. Why is it so expensive to live? And gas? For Pete's sake, our house is never warm. Upstaris yes, but the basement is usually freezing and the furnace is ALWAYS running. It bothers me.
But anyway, yeah. It has just been a frustraing couple of weeks for me. I've been struggling with self perception and how much I value myself and how the stupid world views beauty. I think I just want to move to another planet where I can live out my days in peace. I'm not saying I see myself as ugly or anything, but certainly not attractive. I have the grossest teeth you've ever seen, and I can not possibly afford to have them fixerd, and never have been. I'm also not narrow waisted, perfectly thin...gosh it's dumb. And then my male roommate had to go and make a stupid comment about a girl we saw on TV that also didn't perfectly fit the bill of "attractive." What the beans is that supposed to mean anyway? Attractive. Gosh, I know so many people, guys and girls, who are "attractive" on the outside and have nothing on the inside. They don't care about a single other human being because their world is made up of themselves. Sorry, bitter. I know. I'm just so sick of being labelled as "okay" or "permissable". I don't feel pretty as it is, nevermind feeling judged negativly. Even worse, I can't remember the last time i did something good for someone else. I hate it! I used to be al volunteerish and loved it, and now, can't seem to find an outlet for it at all. I can't remember the last time I made someone happier. Jeez, how many wasted days? I haven't a single excuse either.