It is now just a wee bit past 4pm on Friday, December 22nd 2006, and I have just realized that I am not the same person I was yesterday. Does that make me sound crazy? So be it then.
I found myself reflecting on the past 18 and a half years of my life last night with Zaira and suddenly noticed how much i have changed. It's kind of crazy really. It makes me want to cry for some unknown reason.
Once upon a time, I moved to Beiseker from Calgary, whereupon I entered Playschool and offically came under the scrutiny of "The Man." But I loved it. I have always loved school. I spent the major years of my childhood in Beiseker. I had an awesome friend when I was really young (Kindergarten) whome I find myself thinking of rather often. His name is Ben Laslow. We have the same birthday (yy/mm/dd) and his older sister is named Becky. He moved away first. I wonder where he's at right now. We were betrothed to each other. Seriously, but not at all.
I loved Beiseker; I said it, it came out, and it's true. It's kind of home to me. I loved gallavanting around the swamp catching frogs and getting eaten by army ants in the summer with my big brother and the Fasts. I loved school, wehre I didn't really have any friends, but the teachers loved me! I love Mrs. MacNaughton. She taught me Grades 1 and 4; she was my favorite. She always wore this necklace that had some sort of ord on the end that jingled a little bit. She taught us the "Twist and Shout" song and we changed up the lyrics, mostly with the help of Jordan Peckham and Justin Schmaltz, for Mrs. Doring for Secretary's Day. She was the beautiful, short, white haired Secretary at the school. I thought my Grade 3 teacher, Ms. O'Handley was dating Superman, because she told me she was. She also taught me how to say "busier." Mrs. Schriber was my Grade 2 teacher, and I wrote the best story she had ever recieved from one of her students. It was my first story and it had a complete plot line and developing characters and everything. I was afraid of Mr. Chow, the High school computer teacher, because I thoought he carried nun-chucks in his back pocket. I remeber Jenna-Rae singing "Barbie Girl" in the North bootroom and I remeber Alex always wearing suits in Kindergarten. I later went to school with boths kids up in Linden and Acme. I had a crush on Alex because one afternoon we were out picking icicles off of the eaves during break in Kindergaretn and he climbed up and got a really big one for me.
I remember Mrs. Harder (whom I always believed to be a witch) driving me home on me last school day ever at Beiseker. She told me that she would really miss me and that I was one of the specialist amd most talented young ladies she had ever known. I gripped my garbage bag full of school stuff. I didn't want to leave.
Theresa came up to Linden with me once on the day we moved. She was my only "real" friend. She left her sock at my house and I never gave it back. I never really saw her again until my Grad (she was dating one of my classmates); I sent her letters the whole first year but never heard back.
I met Laura and Jared the the same time at church. Laura and I had the same shoes. Laura's mom didn't really like me so we didn't really hang out too often. I became pretty good friends with Shari instead. I remember falling for this boy named Brady the second I saw him in Grade 5. His mom was super nice to me.
I honestly don't remember too much of Linden as I first came to know it. I know all the guys I had crushes on: Brady, Curt, Josh, Joel, Josh Evan, Josh, Jake, Jared, Brady. That is in chronological order too by the way. Brady was ironically the first boyfriend I ever really had (Brett didn't count), the first boy I have ever completely fallen in love with (still love 'em now! Just differently, sort of. I guess), first boy I ever kissed, and the first to ever break my heart.
IwhenI was in Grade 7 my Dad lost his last real job. He used to work in the city at a desk, that is why I call it his last real job. He has worked many different things since, but nothing has been as steady as that last one. When I was in Grade 8 or 9, can't remember, my Grandpa Tomlinson died from a type of leukemia. He, out of all four of my grandparents, was the one I knew best. He had a dog named Mandy that I loved. He used to call every Sunday night and talke to my family. I stayed at Laura's house for a few days while my mom and Dad flew out to Toronto for the funeral.
When I was in playschool, we flew out to Toronto for my Grandma's Tomlinson's funeral. It was sometime around Valentine's day because Ben collected all of my Valentines for me and gave me a kiss on the cheek when I came back.
I was in the hospital room when my Grandma passed. I saw my Dad cry. I was holding his hand and mom's hand. All of Grandma's kids were in the room when she passed. Mom took me and Andrew out and gave us Juicy Fruit because we didn't really understand what had just happened.
Jr. high and Grades 5 and 6 are pretty much a blur to me. I didn't enjoy them really. I didn't really like Linden. I wasn't really connected to anyone. When high school came around, life finally began having zest to it. I ran down to Lethbridge one random night right before Halloween and my first Social unit final. Totally spontaneously, April and i found ourselves on a Greyhound going south for the night. I missed my test but made it up the next day.
Also in Grade 10, two of my brother's classmates were killed in a horrible xcar accident on their way to a basketball game. A few of my own class mates were in the vehicle too. I was so scared and suddenly realized the futility of life.
In Grade 11, I went to Mexico on a mission's trip and got my first job. I was also in a band, whose memebers I love more than anything. Nothing, even now, could keep me from getting to them upon a beckon, not hell or high seas.
Grade 11 was the best year with them. We won the local of Battle of the Bands. Jared and I also became uber close. I had to sleep over at his house a couple of times because, at the time, there wasa a man living in my house who loved the drink and made my life a living hell.
Grade 12 brought me my boyfriend and Grad. Then, in the past 6 months, I have struggled with the "growing up" thing. Y'all know that end of the story though. I've been drunk, I got my primary place of work broken into, I've said goodbye so many times, been dirt poor (frequently suffering from a balance of zero), accquired three more jobs, and now am about to experience my first Christmas "away" from home. I've been blessed by my roommates and their love for me (thought I have torouble seeing why they love me), Zaira, my boss, David...everyone. I know everyone now. It takes me 15mins to check the mail from the coffee shop ( which is a block and a half away from the coffee shop) because I have to stop and talk to everyone on the way. Opposite of what I was, I am now finding myself connected to everyone. Everyone knows me, and for some reason thinks that I'm a goood, sweet girl. True, but jeez, I'm not perfect.
This entry, though hopefully providing enjoyment for you, was primarily written for my own benefit. I haven't thought back so much in years. I have so many more memories that I love, but I want to keep them my own for now.
Whatever the case, I have come to see that every day I am changing; everyday I am not the person I was the day beofre and will not be as I will the day after. After an hour of typing, I am left wondering where this road will take me.
Friday, December 22, 2006
Saturday, December 16, 2006
A Small Crime
I went to Edmonton yesterday with some friends to watch Dave's final jury for this semester. I'm thinking, Holy crap! That kid has some serious talent.
It was kind of weird being in a music school. I play bass myself, and I doubt I could ever make it through music school. I mean, i practise and all, I love music; but seriously doubt I could ever cathc up to some of the kids there. but then again, I am better than a few of them. Marginally, but none the less.
University update: I have been accepted to both Grant McEwan (same school I was kicking around yesterday) as well as the University of Alberta. Last year, I was sure I was going to the U of A: it was where I wanted to be. But, things change I guess. Now, a year later, it just doesn't feel quite right. Though, and this is foolish I know, I was planning on going to Edmonton partly because of a boy, and now things have fallen through and the desire has gone with it. I told you, foolish!
I wish that I had more interesting things to write here. Like I keep saying: my life is boring at the moment. Actually, this week was insanely hard for me. I don't really have an excuse, but for the past while, I really have not been myself. It's been tough; I've been angry, rude to the people I interact with, tired, feeling hopeless and lost: just down right unhappy. This has not been pleasent. I'm thinking of getting some counselling because of it. That's a good idea right? I think? Don't really know, but I do know I have to get past these "walls" in my brain. They suck. I hate walls. Except the ones that keep me warm. Those ones I like.
Seriously though, the amount of stress has been accumulating exponentially recently. I'm having trouble sleeping again and my body has been grumpy with me; I've been going to my massage therapist far more frequently. With my bills going up and my income not, I have been feeling rather discouraged. At the moment it isn't so bad for some reason, but it really has been troubling me. Who do I talk to about that? I cut my spending and everything, and still I have no money. Why is it so expensive to live? And gas? For Pete's sake, our house is never warm. Upstaris yes, but the basement is usually freezing and the furnace is ALWAYS running. It bothers me.
But anyway, yeah. It has just been a frustraing couple of weeks for me. I've been struggling with self perception and how much I value myself and how the stupid world views beauty. I think I just want to move to another planet where I can live out my days in peace. I'm not saying I see myself as ugly or anything, but certainly not attractive. I have the grossest teeth you've ever seen, and I can not possibly afford to have them fixerd, and never have been. I'm also not narrow waisted, perfectly thin...gosh it's dumb. And then my male roommate had to go and make a stupid comment about a girl we saw on TV that also didn't perfectly fit the bill of "attractive." What the beans is that supposed to mean anyway? Attractive. Gosh, I know so many people, guys and girls, who are "attractive" on the outside and have nothing on the inside. They don't care about a single other human being because their world is made up of themselves. Sorry, bitter. I know. I'm just so sick of being labelled as "okay" or "permissable". I don't feel pretty as it is, nevermind feeling judged negativly. Even worse, I can't remember the last time i did something good for someone else. I hate it! I used to be al volunteerish and loved it, and now, can't seem to find an outlet for it at all. I can't remember the last time I made someone happier. Jeez, how many wasted days? I haven't a single excuse either.
It was kind of weird being in a music school. I play bass myself, and I doubt I could ever make it through music school. I mean, i practise and all, I love music; but seriously doubt I could ever cathc up to some of the kids there. but then again, I am better than a few of them. Marginally, but none the less.
University update: I have been accepted to both Grant McEwan (same school I was kicking around yesterday) as well as the University of Alberta. Last year, I was sure I was going to the U of A: it was where I wanted to be. But, things change I guess. Now, a year later, it just doesn't feel quite right. Though, and this is foolish I know, I was planning on going to Edmonton partly because of a boy, and now things have fallen through and the desire has gone with it. I told you, foolish!
I wish that I had more interesting things to write here. Like I keep saying: my life is boring at the moment. Actually, this week was insanely hard for me. I don't really have an excuse, but for the past while, I really have not been myself. It's been tough; I've been angry, rude to the people I interact with, tired, feeling hopeless and lost: just down right unhappy. This has not been pleasent. I'm thinking of getting some counselling because of it. That's a good idea right? I think? Don't really know, but I do know I have to get past these "walls" in my brain. They suck. I hate walls. Except the ones that keep me warm. Those ones I like.
Seriously though, the amount of stress has been accumulating exponentially recently. I'm having trouble sleeping again and my body has been grumpy with me; I've been going to my massage therapist far more frequently. With my bills going up and my income not, I have been feeling rather discouraged. At the moment it isn't so bad for some reason, but it really has been troubling me. Who do I talk to about that? I cut my spending and everything, and still I have no money. Why is it so expensive to live? And gas? For Pete's sake, our house is never warm. Upstaris yes, but the basement is usually freezing and the furnace is ALWAYS running. It bothers me.
But anyway, yeah. It has just been a frustraing couple of weeks for me. I've been struggling with self perception and how much I value myself and how the stupid world views beauty. I think I just want to move to another planet where I can live out my days in peace. I'm not saying I see myself as ugly or anything, but certainly not attractive. I have the grossest teeth you've ever seen, and I can not possibly afford to have them fixerd, and never have been. I'm also not narrow waisted, perfectly thin...gosh it's dumb. And then my male roommate had to go and make a stupid comment about a girl we saw on TV that also didn't perfectly fit the bill of "attractive." What the beans is that supposed to mean anyway? Attractive. Gosh, I know so many people, guys and girls, who are "attractive" on the outside and have nothing on the inside. They don't care about a single other human being because their world is made up of themselves. Sorry, bitter. I know. I'm just so sick of being labelled as "okay" or "permissable". I don't feel pretty as it is, nevermind feeling judged negativly. Even worse, I can't remember the last time i did something good for someone else. I hate it! I used to be al volunteerish and loved it, and now, can't seem to find an outlet for it at all. I can't remember the last time I made someone happier. Jeez, how many wasted days? I haven't a single excuse either.
Friday, December 08, 2006
Waiting No More
Well, I got my first acceptence letter in the mail yesterday afternoon. It came from Grant McEwan College in Edmonton. They said that they would be happy to have me as a student. However, after visiting the campus and spending some time in Edmonton, I really feel that it is not the place for me. Obviously, because I never shut up about UBC. So, I also get the joys of sending in my first withdrawl of application. But hey, a college accepted me!!!!
Thursday, December 07, 2006
14 Days 'til Summer's a Comin'!
After ten day of absense, I still have basically nothing to write. I've been busy preparing for Christmas, both personally and at the Coffee Shop. It seems like there is just so much extra stuff I have to accomplish on my shift now; I'm in a constant frenzy split between cleaning, baking, making drinks, posters, updating spreadsheets, placing and extra-bulk unpacking orders, helping my sweet boss with this and that...phew. My shoes are quite broken in. By the way, if you're around town, stop in at Global Grounds for our "Krazy Kandy Kabobs." They're pretty cool; they consist of gummies on a skewer. Mmmmm. Gummies.
Anyway, my shopping is almost all done. I decided this year that after neglecting my family for 18 years, I was going to get them some pretty sweet gifts. I know they'll love them.And I got my roomies some cool presents too, and Virginia one as well, and that is it. I figured I would just get a few people some good presents--it was cheaper that way.
College front is loking pretty good. I haven't got any definate responses yet, but that's my fault. Laura and I are looking at possibly hopping on a plane and going to Toronto for a couple of days toscope out the campus at U of T, maybe sit in on a few classes; it's cool because if I go there, I'll possibly get to connect with my extended family. I've known of them my whole life, but only actually seen them twice or three times. If we make it down we'll be spending our time with my Aunt and Uncle in Missassaga (or however it's spelled), which I'm actually really looking forward to.
Financial concerns have been seriously bothering me recently. It seems every time I'm getting money saved up, not shopping or spending it on anything, my bills go up exponentially and it all goes away anyway. It is making me so angry. I've considered moving back home so things are easier and more productive on the savings end, but the rift mom and I have makes things harder on everyone when I'm around. I'm at a loss. I have decided I need to live on campus when I do go. I wanted to inthe first place, but then plans were changing and a friend was wanting to move with me and such, but the more I look at it, I need to make more new friends and live on a campus where there is no rent, meal plans, and no freaking bills. That way, with my part time job that I will have to get, I will actualyl be able to afford living, you know, food and possibly paying down the exponential student loans I'm going to need. Besides, I know U of T requires 1st years to live on campus, and I think UBC might have the same requirement.
I have really come to realize that the world does it's best to discourage a person. I've seen it succeed in some people I care about deeply, and thus refuse to let it win with me. I know that this is what I am supposed to do. God didn't make me into a missionary, pastor, Sunday school teacher--those good Holy things, nor did he make me a scientist (well, not really) or a mathamatician. I am a writter. I love language, learning and teaching it. It comes fairly easily to me, and I have been told I am an excellent teacher of it. I love cultures. I don't feel like I need to go to Bible school, get a business degree or be a nurse. Teahcing people how to communicate with each other and how interesting every little corner of the world is, is something that I'm passionate about. The blank stares that I get when I tell people what I want to do tell me that people just don't get that.
Anyone want to have a classic Christmas movie-athon with me? I love Christmas movies! "It's Wonderful Life" is the best, or tied with the stop-motion "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer."
Anyway, my shopping is almost all done. I decided this year that after neglecting my family for 18 years, I was going to get them some pretty sweet gifts. I know they'll love them.And I got my roomies some cool presents too, and Virginia one as well, and that is it. I figured I would just get a few people some good presents--it was cheaper that way.
College front is loking pretty good. I haven't got any definate responses yet, but that's my fault. Laura and I are looking at possibly hopping on a plane and going to Toronto for a couple of days toscope out the campus at U of T, maybe sit in on a few classes; it's cool because if I go there, I'll possibly get to connect with my extended family. I've known of them my whole life, but only actually seen them twice or three times. If we make it down we'll be spending our time with my Aunt and Uncle in Missassaga (or however it's spelled), which I'm actually really looking forward to.
Financial concerns have been seriously bothering me recently. It seems every time I'm getting money saved up, not shopping or spending it on anything, my bills go up exponentially and it all goes away anyway. It is making me so angry. I've considered moving back home so things are easier and more productive on the savings end, but the rift mom and I have makes things harder on everyone when I'm around. I'm at a loss. I have decided I need to live on campus when I do go. I wanted to inthe first place, but then plans were changing and a friend was wanting to move with me and such, but the more I look at it, I need to make more new friends and live on a campus where there is no rent, meal plans, and no freaking bills. That way, with my part time job that I will have to get, I will actualyl be able to afford living, you know, food and possibly paying down the exponential student loans I'm going to need. Besides, I know U of T requires 1st years to live on campus, and I think UBC might have the same requirement.
I have really come to realize that the world does it's best to discourage a person. I've seen it succeed in some people I care about deeply, and thus refuse to let it win with me. I know that this is what I am supposed to do. God didn't make me into a missionary, pastor, Sunday school teacher--those good Holy things, nor did he make me a scientist (well, not really) or a mathamatician. I am a writter. I love language, learning and teaching it. It comes fairly easily to me, and I have been told I am an excellent teacher of it. I love cultures. I don't feel like I need to go to Bible school, get a business degree or be a nurse. Teahcing people how to communicate with each other and how interesting every little corner of the world is, is something that I'm passionate about. The blank stares that I get when I tell people what I want to do tell me that people just don't get that.
Anyone want to have a classic Christmas movie-athon with me? I love Christmas movies! "It's Wonderful Life" is the best, or tied with the stop-motion "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer."
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